


How we end

by cutiebiz



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-17 23:42:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14841446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutiebiz/pseuds/cutiebiz
Summary: Spock and Kirk go to Hanon, where a Priestess tells them that they are going to be in a relationship with each other. One of them knows how it will begin, and the other knows how it will end.Angst and stuff ensues.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just threw this together on the plane. It's not beta'd, so sorry if there's typos! I hope you love it!

Spock and Kirk sat before the Priestess of Hanon in the shimmering golden tent. She smiled down at them, her three eyes glistening against her deep purple skin. They had finished their successful negotiations and now the Priestess was going to read their fortunes as a gesture of gratitude.

“You’re going to be in a romantic relationship,” she said, narrowing her three eyes in a conspiratory way.

“He already is,” Kirk said, jerking a thumb in his First Officer’s direction with a grin. Spock knew Jim didn’t really believe in “this stuff” as he put it.

She shook her head.

“No, you will have a romantic relationship with _each other._ ”

All six of her hands pointed at them, gesturing between the two of them.

Both men simultaneously opened their mouths in protest.

“I am already engaged in a romantic relationship, and I do not intend-”

“Is the universal translator working correctly? Because I could have sworn that you said-”

She ignored them both, and reached out four of her hands, laying her palms over their eyes. Both were rendered silent as the information was communicated quietly into their minds.

Jim was blushing profusely when her hands were removed, and Spock stared into oblivion...confused.

She smiled at them both again, looking pleased.

“What just happened?” Jim asked. “What was that?”

Spock was wondering the same thing. Though he had more of a grasp on telepathic communication than his human counterpart, he was still uncertain as to what he had seen...it seemed incomplete somehow.

“You,” the Priestess said, her three golden eyes on Kirk, “know how it begins...and _you”_ she looked at Spock now, “know how it ends.”

Jim glanced at Spock, something unreadable on his face.

And Spock played the Priestess’s words over in his mind, comparing it to what she had shown him in the vision.

 

Jim and Spock had gone from opponents, to crewmen, and had now gotten to the stage of tentative friends. It was nothing close to the deep, life altering friendship that Ambassador Selek had promised, but it was _theirs_ nonetheless.

They took their lunches together in the rec room, playing chess and discussing ship business. This had proven to be an excellent way for the men to learn how the other thought. After their shared shifts, they would exercise together in the gym...sometimes sparring together. These little rituals had improved their efficiency as a team by 15% over the time since they had begun. It had gotten to the point where they could communicate with a glance.                                                                         

But all of this was a far cry from romance...a far cry from the glimpse that the priestess had just laid over his mind like a silk veil.

 

Jim looked over at Spock again, who had successfully schooled his features back to impassivity, and who was now deliberately not looking at his Captain.

Kirk looked back at the Priestess, clearing his throat and giving her a tight smile.

“That was very kind of you, your Grace-”

“Your Holiness,” Spock corrected under his breath.

“Your Holiness,” Jim amended immediately.

“I am gratified to be of service, as we are now all siblings under the mother Federation.”

“Excellent...yeah, mother...Federation…” Kirk said, all charming professionalism, a demeanor, Spock knew, was as much of an accessory as their uniforms...something slipped on for the sole purpose of work...something fake.

 

***

While they waited to beam up, they stood side by side, both in deep thought, not looking at one another. Finally, Kirk looked over at Spock, gracing him with one of those smiles...the one that he used to detangle the tension in the room.

“I’ve never really believed in fortune tellers,” he said, shrugging.

Spock just looked at him...looking over his face...the face of the man he had come to respect and care for.

Jim was aesthetically pleasing, and they got along well. But there was nothing beyond that. They both knew it.

“I have never put any creedence into divinations either,” Spock concurred a second before the golden lights surrounded them and they rematerialised on the landing pad in their Transporter room.

Nyota and Scotty were waiting at the controls, chatting away, Uhura laughing at something Mr. Scott had said. She strolled up to Spock as soon as they had finished rematerializing, and laid a soft kiss on his lips. Spock reciprocated, and when they pulled apart, he found himself glancing over at Jim, who was now deep in conversation with the Chief Engineer.

Whatever the Scotsman had said had earned him a high five from the Captain, who called over to the other two “Mr. Scott and I are going to look over the new information the Hanons shared with us!”

“We could increase our warp speed by over 8%!” Mr. Scott added excitedly before the two men hurried out of the doors.

“Good luck, Monty! You’re a wizard!” Nyota called after them.

Kirk held a “rock on” symbol over his shoulder before the doors shut.

Spock felt something inside of him pull...something that wanted to follow Jim to the warp core. He stopped the line of thinking, deciding instead to observe the emotion during meditation that evening.

He looked at the communications officer who was also staring at the place where the two men had left, a look in her dark eyes he couldn’t read.

She turned to look at him abruptly and smiled brightly.

“So, anything cool happen?”

“Nothing of note,” Spock heard himself say.

It wasn’t a lie...he knew that Nyota put just about as much stock in fortune telling as he did, and so would not consider this particular event to be “cool”.

Regardless, he wouldn’t have wanted to tell her anyway...and he didn’t know why.

 

***

The two men went about their business as though nothing had happened. They met for lunch in the rec room and played chess, and gymed together after their shifts.

Things changed when the ambient controls for the Officer’s quarters went haywire, which caused all of the temperatures in the quarters to change drastically. Spock had woken up, his body freezing, his breath frosting in the air. Because his quarters were too cold to inhabit, he decided to take his morning meditation on the observation deck.

Though he knew he could have meditated in Nyota’s quarters, he preferred to meditate in private, as the energy of others tended to be distracting. He determined that the observation deck would be less populated, as he had seen the majority of his fellow crewman head for the rec room for breakfast.

When Spock reached his destination, however, he discovered quite quickly that he was not alone. There was someone else there....Upon further investigation, Spock realised that it was Jim...he was sitting in front of the window, back straight and stone still.

As Spock quietly approached, he noticed the Captain’s eyes were closed.

He was meditating.

Jim suddenly opened his eyes. He glanced up at Spock and gave him a little smile...a real smile.

“What?”

That was just the thing...Spock didn’t know “what?”

The Captain let out a little chuckle, his blue eyes glinting.

“You thought Vulcans are the only ones who know how to meditate?”

Spock suddenly felt himself bristle.

“I was unaware that you partake in this particular passtime,” Spock said by way of explanation.

To his surprise, Jim laughed.

“Why? Because I’m such a spaz?”

Spock flinched. “I would not call you a...it simply has never come up in conversation.”

“Fair enough,” Jim said, a smile in his voice. “What are you doing in here on this fine morning?”

“I have come to meditate as well...my quarters are currently too cold for my preferences.”

“Yeah, mine’s like an oven right now, and I needed a quiet place.”

Jim gestured to the place beside him. “Join me if you want.”

The offer was genuine, Spock could tell, and he accepted it with hesitation, unsure of whether or not he would be capable of achieving a deeper meditation in the presence of another.

He was surprised to find that slipping into a deep state of relaxation was easier around Jim than he had thought, and had no problem meditating in the other man’s presence.

They sat side by side in comfortable silence, facing the vast universe that they were exploring together.

 

It became part of their ritual now. The ambient controls were still under repair, and Spock found that he was more energetic and refreshed after meditating with his Captain...and that he preferred spending his mornings with Jim joined in a peaceful comradery.

So the days began together in meditation, they took their lunches in the rec room, playing chess and talking, and they did their daily exercise together after their shifts...and then came the evenings together in Jim’s quarters.

It started when Jim had asked to enter Spock’s quarters and Spock had allowed it. When Kirk walked in, he stopped as though the cold air had been a wall.

“Holy shit, Spock, it’s freezing in here! How do you manage?”

“Poorly” the Vulcan answered honestly. “My efficiency rate has dropped 3.24% since the ambient controls have been out of order.”

“Why don’t you work in Uhura’s room?” Jim demanded, wrapping his arms around himself and looking at his First Officer like he was insane.

“We do not spend ‘weekdays’ together, as we are both less efficient when working in each other’s presence on self guided projects.”

“Guess it’s hard to work when you’ve got that eye candy walking around,” Jim responded, almost to himself.

Spock felt something pull inside of him again.

“Nyota mentioned that you had made an advance on her when the two of you first met.”

Jim looked at Spock for a few seconds, as though trying to connect the dots.

Clarity crossed over the blue eyes.

“Oh I wasn’t talking abo-”

Jim grinned, interrupting himself...and Spock knew that grin.

“Yeah,” Kirk said, clearing his throat. “That was a long time ago. Don’t worry Spock, I’m not...I’m not gonna do that again. I was drunk that night...I acted like a total jackass.”

Something seemed to relax inside of Spock. He told himself that it was his feeling of possession over Nyota, but he knew somehow that it wasn’t about that at all.

“Anyway, I was gonna ask you about the roster for tomorrow’s mission, but I’m gonna do that in _my_ quarters...I’m freezing my ass off in this place and I can only _imagine_ what a half Vulcan would be feeling right now.”

“I accept your invitation,” Spock said, knowing that he would be far more efficient in warmer conditions.

 

***

Jim had not been lying when he had said that his room was like an oven. It was hot, even for Spock’s standards, but he found it bearable in comparison to the frostiness of his own quarters.

It got better after they decided to prop their shared bathroom doors open to circulate some of Spock's cold air with Jim's heat.

“Is the temperature not too hot for you?” Spock asked Jim, who had sat down at his desk after motioning to the chair across from him.

“It’s _really_ hot, but I’d rather be hot than frozen.”

 

They went over the roster and procedures for the next day’s mission together, and went on to discuss some of the other missions that had been scheduled for that week. They shared their logs with each other so they could compare notes on the missions they had completed over the week, and Jim went on to tell Spock about the progress Scotty was making on their warp core.

“Holy shit, it’s 2 am,” Jim said suddenly when he spied the time at the corner of his PADD. “Are you sleeping at Nyota’s tonight?”

The thought had not occurred to Spock as to where he was going to sleep. He had been so lost in their shared rhythm that he had forgotten that his quarters were not suitable for extended habitation.

“Yes,” Spock replied without hesitation, standing up abruptly.

“You can stay as long as you want, Spock,” Jim assured him. “I just wasn’t sure how thrilled Lieutenant Uhura would be if you woke her up in the middle of the night, is all.”

“She is usually awake at this hour,” Spock replied.

Jim smiled _that_ smile again...that tight smile.

_You know how it begins…._

They bid each other good night, and Spock walked out of Jim’s quarters and heading for Nyota’s...not wanting to.

 

***

Then it became routine.

Meditation together in the mornings, lunch together in the afternoons, exercising together after their shifts, and working together in the evenings.

They spent hours together working in mostly silence. Jim always had a wide array of snacks that he seemed to pull out of nowhere (not the replicator, Spock didn’t fail to notice). Then Spock would relocate to Nyota’s to sleep. He would lie beside her, the soft curves of her body pressed up against him...listen to the soft, steady sound of her breathing while she slept. But his mind was in a tent on Hanon…

_I know how it ends._

His mind was on the observation deck, using the steady breathing of his Captain as a focal point...across from Jim at a chess board, blue eyes meeting his...in the gym, watching Kirk’s muscles ripple under his work out shirt...in Jim’s quarters where Spock’s ideas were heard, and discussions were had.

 

***

_I want to know how it begins._

Spock realised as he pondered his next course of action after Jim had sprung yet another seemingly chaotic move on him. Spock moved a white rook, watching Jim’s bright, calculating eyes as he did so...waiting for some hint of his next move.

“How does it begin?” Spock asked.

The eyes that he had been watching flickered up to Spock, and Jim grinned, not bothering to pretend like he didn’t know what Spock was talking about.

“I thought you didn’t put any creedence into divination, Mr. Spock,” Jim teased, making his move.

“I do not,” Spock confirmed, staring at the conundrum on the board. “But I am curious as to what the Priestess _thinks_ is the beginning.”

Spock made his counter move while Jim chuckled softly.

“Isn’t curiosity a human emotion?”

The Captain made a move immediately, as though he had been expecting his First Officer to make that move.

Spock eyed the board calculatively.

“Am I not also half human, as you and Dr. McCoy seem so eager to remind me of every chance it is convenient?”

“I see...now you’re admitting it because for once it’s convenient for _you_ ,” Jim grinned at him.

“I mention it when it is relevant,” Spock countered, moving a piece.

“Well, I’m not telling you,” Jim said as he moved a piece immediately.

“You will not share this crucial information?” Spock asked, and knew that Jim had not missed the sarcasm.

“Oh, so now it’s _crucial_?” Jim smiled.

Spock moved again, and Kirk countered it with ease.

The Vulcan reminded himself to attempt to be less predictable.

“Did you ever celebrate Christmas, Spock?”

“My mother was Jewish,” Spock replied, making another move which Jim countered so quickly, it was as though he was doing it at random.

“So, Chanukah?” Jim amended.

Spock was thrilled to see that, in his haste, Kirk had finally made himself vulnerable. He made his move.

“Yes, and check.”

Spock tried to keep the triumph from his eyes as he looked upon his challenger.

Jim grinned at the board.

“So you got eight presents over the days of Chanukah?”

“Are you implying that your withholding of life-changing information is equivalent to waiting to unwrap a gift?”

Jim pretended to think about it, pursing his lips. “Yes.”

“I never understood the logic behind wrapping an item in paper...one has already obtained the item...what purpose does it serve to hide it and then prolong its exposure?”

Jim raised his eyebrows in amusement.  

“Are you going to make a move, Captain?”

Kirk seemed to think for a moment.

“We like to delay our pleasures, Spock. It’s a human thing.” Jim met Spock’s gaze and held it. “We like the pondering...the hoping, and imagining.” The younger man picked at his pawns without making a move.

“Why spoil the surprise?”

Jim took his fingers from the board, much to Spock’s frustration, and looked down at the board, long lashes hiding his eyes from the Vulcan. He looked almost...bashful.

“How does it end, Spock?”

The question was sincere, and so the First Officer reviewed the vision that he had received from the Priestess, in his mind...and pushed away the same puzzlement he had been confronted with the first time she had shown it to him. Spock crossed his arms over himself, and lifted an eyebrow in mock indignation.

“I find that I am not compelled to tell you at this time.”

Jim let out a belly laugh and picked up his bishop.

“Checkmate.”

 

***

Uhura and Spock were having dinner in her quarters when she brought it up.

“I heard that Sindock is getting bonded,” she said in Vulcan, glancing up at him quickly, and then back down at her food.

“I have been informed,” Spock replied in English, taking a bite of his vegetables.

There was silence for a moment while Nyota seemed to mull over what she wanted to say next. Then-

“Listen. I know that Vulcans are healthier when they’re bonded...and I know that I said, when we first got together, that I didn’t want to get married until I was in the perfect place in my career...but I want you to know that if you’re thinking of bonding, I am open to the discussion.”

She met his eyes, her own filled with sincerity.

Spock regarded her. He had always admired her ability to get straight to the point. She was never afraid of confrontation.

_We like the pondering...the hoping, and imagining._

“Thank you, Nyota,” was all Spock could say.

_I know how it ends._

 

***

“We figured it ou’ Cap’n! Bout time too, my quarters were baltic!” Scotty said over the ‘com.

Spock watched a brilliant smile split Jim’s handsome face when he heard that...little laughter lines wrinkling the corners of his blue eyes, mirroring the Vulcan’s own amusement.

Something tugged again.

Spock and Jim had been in the middle of their morning meditation when they had gotten the call.

“Hear that, Spock? You can finally get the privacy you’ve been missing out on,” Jim said.

There was something in his voice...some feeling that matched the one that flickered through Spock’s mind.

He hadn’t found doing private activities with Jim any more arduous than when he did them alone. In fact, Spock’s efficiency rate had increased by 2.5% since they had taken up their activities together 3 days ago.

The idea of not doing his work in the company of his Captain was...unpleasant.

“I have not found working with you to be distracting,” Spock replied.

Something passed over the blue eyes.

“Neither have I…”

There was silence and then they both spoke at once.

“Maybe you could-”

“I would not be averse to-”

They both stopped abruptly, and Jim grinned at him.

“Okay,” he said.

Spock let his eyes linger over the smiling face...the way Jim looked with nothing but the dim light...and all of space behind him….

_You know how it begins…_

_How does it begin, Jim?_

They held eye contact, lost in their own thoughts until the chirp of the communicator broke the silence.

Jim cleared his throat and seemed to flush in the darkness as he flipped open his communicator.

“Captain Kirk here.”

“Cap’n….”

It was Scotty again, and there was hesitation in his voice this time, which made Jim’s eyes narrow.

“What happened, Mr. Scott?”

“I dunnae Cap’n...but...we dinna fix the controls like we tho’....”

***

Jim and Spock stared at what remained of Jim’s quarters. When they had “fixed” the controls, everything had been working fine for a total of five minutes, according to Mr. Scott, before a fire started in some of the rooms...including this one.

The damage wasn’t severe...and most of the items were intact, if not warped. Most of Jim’s things, outside of his sleeping alcove, would need to be replaced, including his replicator. The room was still fit for habitation...and the temperature had actually been reduced slightly, which was a relief.

“Was there anything of value, Jim?” Spock asked, surveying the damage with scrutiny.

“Nah,” Jim said, shrugging. “It’s just stuff.” He looked over at Spock now. “Alright, show me yours.”

 

Spock’s quarters looked like a meat locker.

A chair had fallen over and had shattered into little pieces, it was so cold.

“We should get your valuables off of high places,” Jim said immediately upon seeing the state of the chair. Without another word, he had climbed Spock’s bed and was gingerly removing Spock’s Lirpa from the wall. The Vulcan was taken aback by the care Jim put into this action...the concern he had for Spock’s memories….

“Thank you, Jim,” Spock said sincerely, and joined him on the bed so that he could carefully remove more of his items.

Kirk took down a framed photograph of Spock in his Formal Starfleet attire, standing beside his mother who was dressed in Vulcan formal robes. Jim stared at the picture for a minute, his eyes running over the figures...taking it all in. Spock was busy watching how his long lashes barely casted a shadow over the intelligent eyes.

“You have her eyes,” Jim said, almost to himself.

And Spock’s heart did something in his side….

_You know how it begins._

***

“Accommodate for guest,” Jim said as they entered his quarters.

A twin sized bed appeared a respectable distance from the Captain’s own. Jim hopped onto his bed, stretching his legs out and pulled his PADD from his nightstand, ready to get to work.

“Mi casa es su casa,” Jim said, gesturing to the guest bed at his side, his eyes not leaving his work.

Spock eyed the bed for a second, wondering about the appropriateness of the situation before sitting down on the bed. He rationalized that this was how he himself worked when alone in his quarters...and Jim was his friend…..

It didn’t take them long to get back into their usual rhythm, their workspace irrelevant to their natural workflow.

They worked like that for hours in companionable silence before Spock excused himself and went to dine and sleep with Nyota.

That night when he lay next to her, his body was stiff and awkward, and when he woke the next morning, he did not feel rested….

 

***

“Where have you been all day?” Nyota asked the next evening after he had returned from Jim’s quarters. She spoke in perfect Vulcan, which always impressed him.

When Spock had arrived at her door, she had not been there, and had met him outside 4.30 minutes after he had gotten there. She had looked flushed, her eyes not meeting Spock’s. He hadn’t thought about it, but she had been silent while he had prepared their dinner, and had been silent while eating until this moment.

“I spent the evening with the Captain going over reports,” Spock answered truthfully in English. “Where were you, previously?”

There was nothing accusatory in his tone, but it didn’t keep her from meeting his gaze with eyes a little wider...like a child who had been caught doing something against the rules. Her eyes cast back down to her food and she speared a vegetable.

“I was helping Monty work on the Ambient Controls,” she said in English, shoving the fork in her mouth.

“I am gratified to hear that. Perhaps it will expedite this venture,” Spock said, taking a bite of his food.

There was silence again, and then-

“It’s nice that you and Jim are becoming friends,” she smiled at him. “You can tell that you guys have been working better together." She had switched to Vulcan again. She took another bite and added in English “You guys make a great team.”

Spock took another bite of his food so that he would be spared having to answer.

He didn’t know what to say.

_You know how it ends._

 

***

Even after the controls had been completely repaired (thanks to Uhura and her never ending knowledge of delicate machinery), Spock spent his evenings with Jim, working together at the desk. Their combined efficiency had increased by 10.4% now, and their rate of effectiveness on the Bridge had increased by a drastic 23.55%. All it took was a touch...a look...a word that referred to some inside joke, and they knew what the other was trying to indicate. This came in handy during their missions when it was important to communicate in a more covert manner, and when they had to think and work quickly.

They had managed to become such a conducive unit, that when Admiral Pike would introduce them, it was simply as “Enterprise.”

Over the time that their friendship had blossomed, Spock seemed to make connections with the other crewmen more easily...and before he knew it, he privately referred to the crew (in his mind, so no one would ever hear his illogical feelings) as family.

_Family…._

“No,” Jim said with finality, handing a PADD he had just signed back to the Yeoman.

“Jim, no one else knows how to use the device-”

“Then teach them how,” the Captain shot back.

“That would take too much time.”

“I don’t care, I’m not sending my First Officer into that volcano.”

“Is there some implication that one life is more valuable than another-”

“It won’t get to that point, but the fact of the matter is I need you _on the ship-”_

“You are being highly illogical. It would take far too much time that we do not have to-”

They were now standing face to face, Spock’s hands behind his back, and Jim’s hands on his hips.

“Uh oh...Mom and Dad are fighting,” Chekov’s voice cut in, and Sulu’s subsequent snicker stopped the conversation for a second.

“Spock, train someone else. I’m going to be on the planet with McCoy, Sulu is going to be piloting the shuttle, I need you here in command.”

“Captain, an entire civilization is at steak. The longer we discuss this the less time we have to neutralize the volcano.”

“The answer is _no_ Spock.”

“Jim.”

Kirk’s blue eyes met his own, his jaw set.

“I have worked on this project from its conception," Spock implored him. "I know the device better than any other crewmember, and am also the only one strong enough to carry it. Mr. Scott is third in command and he will be present on the Enterprise during the mission.”

“Yeah, making sure our ship doesn’t explode from being _under water_.”

“Regardless, he will be present.”

“Listen, Spock, I get that you’re proud of your invention-”

“Pride is a human emotion, Jim.”

Kirk gave him that unamused _look._

“I get that you’re _invested,_ ” Jim raised his eyebrows challengingly “in the outcome of the project you’ve worked so hard on. But there is no way that I can justify placing my First Officer in danger.”

Jim looked around, seemingly conscious of their audience. Then he said softly enough for Spock’s ears “I can’t send you down there, Spock...I can’t…lose you.”

Spock’s heart seemed to stop, as he looked over the vulnerable face. He leaned a little closer.

“I know how it ends.”

Jim’s eyes lit up, and a little smile graced his lips. Then he sighed. “Okay,” he sounded resigned. “Fair enough.”

 

***

Spock had told himself, up to this point, that he hadn’t believed any of what the Priestess had shown him...divinations were illogical, and there were too many variables that needed to be taken into consideration.

Every day...every night...every moment that he spent with Jim...every affectionate thought, and every unspoken agreement, Spock had dismissed the reality of the vision.

But now, faced with his imminent demise...surrounded by flames and lava...about to be frozen to death by his own device, he _believed._

Spock _let_ himself believe.

Though he knew that the Enterprise had no way of getting him out of this situation in time without revealing themselves to the underdeveloped civilization, he knew he wasn’t going to die here….

_This is not how it ends_

He reached his hands out in surrender...and waited to be proven wrong.

 

***

 

When he had finished taking the suit off, he heard the doors to the changing room open, and storming footsteps. He had been expecting Dr. McCoy, armed with a medical scanner and a hypo, but was surprised to see Jim, whose jaw was clenched, his eyes red.

“I told you _not_ to go down there,” Jim said, his voice a hiss. “You could have-”

Spock grabbed him and held him close, and Kirk wrapped his arms around him tight, as though letting him go would put him in danger again.

“You saved me, T’hy’la,” Spock whispered, his heart suddenly speeding up when he heard the word fall from his lips.

“Bones said you would have let me die,” Jim murmured against his shoulder. “Would have chosen to follow the prime directive….”

Spock felt himself stiffen...the thought of letting Jim die-

The Vulcan pulled away, his eyes boring into Kirk’s.

“What do you believe, Jim?”

The human looked at a loss for words, his eyes still glistening from tears. He shrugged, a pained look on his face.

“I know what I’d _like_ to believe.”

Spock reached to touch Jim’s face, but pulled away when the doors to the changing room squeaked open.

It was Nyota, and it seemed that Spock had another volcano to neutralize.

“Are you giving him Hell, Captain?” she demanded, her eyes smoldering into Spock’s.

“Affirmative,” Jim said, keeping his voice steady. “But you can take your turn.”

He didn’t look at Spock as he turned and walked out of the room, leaving the Vulcan alone with a very angry Uhura.

He watched Jim go...his heart reaching out to him.

_My t’hy’la._

_I know how it ends._

 

***

Spock observed Jim’s face after Admiral Pike had told him that he’d had his ship taken from him. His heart felt like it was being ripped out when he realised that Kirk was deliberately not meeting his eyes.

_No…_

_This is not how it ends._

 

***

 

“The truth is...I’m gonna miss you.”

_No._

_You know how it begins, Jim...you know how it begins...you must believe that we shall see each other again._

But Spock said none of these things out loud... just stood there, gaping at him stupidly.

How could he tell Jim how much he meant to him now? How he had embedded himself into Spock’s life...how he had become such a part of him that Spock couldn’t _imagine_ a life without him...a day...a morning...an evening.

Jim rolled his eyes and walked away, and Spock stared at where he had stood.

_This is not how it ends._

 

***

Spock received a delivery to his accommodations in San Francisco. It was a package from his father. There was a message left for him over the top.

“I heard about your reassignment and believed that now would be an appropriate time to send you these items.”

Spock felt something inside of him warm as he thought of how his mother would have translated this note for him.

“I heard what happened, and I thought I’d send these things to you to make you feel better.”

When he opened the lid to the box, he felt a tiny smile form on his lips when his suspicions were confirmed. There was a small bag of Vulcan candies from the newly developed colony...the ones his father would discreetly allow him after a particularly bad row with the other boys at school.

Underneath, encased in a protective container, was his mother’s necklace. He let his fingers touch the blue stone, remembering her. There was also a new set of robes, incense, tea, and a beaten golden ring in a velvet box. Spock recognized it immediately as his mother’s father’s wedding ring. She had kept it on a chain around her neck, and Spock was touched that his father had thought to send it to him.

At the very bottom was a book of Vulcan poetry from the pre reform era, and he flipped it to the inside cover. There, in Vulcan, it said “I thought you’d like this. Found it on a mission, and had father send it to you. Miss you, brother. -Michael.”

He hadn’t heard from his sister in awhile and was looking forward to flipping through the pages to read the notes that she had left in the margins, as they both did when they shared books with one another.

He flipped to a page that had been dogeared. In Vulcan it was poetic, but in English, the translation was a blocky, rough poem. All the same, his breath caught in his throat when he read it.

_As a the tree never stops reaching for the sun_

_I shall never stop reaching for you_

_If my roots keep us apart_

_All that I do_

_all that I create_

_will have your golden touch woven into it_

_I pray for a lifetime of beginnings with you_

_and one ending to bind us together._

 

***

He watched Admiral Pike die...guarded his katra as he went with the intention of returning it somehow to Christopher’s beloved wife, who he affectionately referred to as his “Number One.”

Spock had lost his mother, his planet, and was now losing the man that he had looked up to since he had rejected the path that Vulcan had expected of him. A father in his own right. And now he was gone.

A felt a warm hand on his shoulder...Jim...Jim was well...he was safe…

Jim could have been taken from him during this whole ordeal…..

_I know how it ends._

He felt the hand slip away. Spock took one last look at the vacant, powder blue eyes and followed Jim. The human turned to him, his blue eyes glistening with unabashed tears.

“It’s all my fault...all my fault-if I had just...figured it out faster-”

Spock pulled the younger man into his arms, holding him...his hands threading into his hair.

“This was not your fault,” Spock murmured into Jim’s ear.

“It _was_ my fault...it was-”

“No, Jim,” Spock assured him gently. He brushed a kiss into the younger man’s hair without thinking, his mind on the feel of Jim safe in his arms...the warmth and weight he had become so familiar with after over a year of sparring….

He felt Pike’s last moments fluttering through his mind...how the man’s soul had reached out for his mate so far away...the way Spock’s was reaching for Jim now…

and he _believed._

The Priestess had been correct.

This feeling.

It was love.

He loved Jim.

 

***

After the awkward confrontation at the most inappropriate moment with Uhura...in front of _Jim_ no less, Nyota had finally begun talking to Spock again, going about their relationship as though nothing had happened. She was sweet and affectionate, giving him kisses when he didn’t expect it, and inviting him to come and stay the night with her.

At dinner, he presented her with the necklace that had been his mother’s. Her eyes widened and she touched the blue stone with awe. Then she looked at him with an expression of pure disbelief.

“Are you sure?” she asked in a hushed voice, too surprised to say it in Vulcan.

Spock had been taken aback.

“I respect and care for you. You have been a cherished constant in my life, Nyota.”

This was the truth. Their friendship had been something that had kept him afloat in the dark times after he had lost his planet. Her kindness, intelligence and strength were ballasts in his otherwise turbulent emotional sea.

_I know how it ends._

She smiled, her dark eyes meeting his.

“Thank you,” she said, taking his fingers in an kiss.

He felt his heart sink.

 

***

 

The way that Khan looked at Jim made Spock feel a brush of unwelcome fury...making him question, only for a second, why he had advocated for his life. He thought of how Jim had set aside his own white rage on behalf of the only father he had ever known for logic...for Spock.

And now here the murderer was, beautiful, stoic, with alabaster skin, sharp cheekbones, and eyes that couldn’t seem to decide what color to be. A

And those eyes were on Jim like he was the most appealing thing he had seen since his birth.

And the way Khan had purposely degraded him in front of Jim...as though he knew that Spock was a...different kind of threat.

The Vulcan had come to accept his feelings regarding the Captain, and he tried to keep from brooding as they headed to the conference room.

“You okay?” Jim asked.

Spock said nothing.

 

That evening in Jim’s quarters, they looked up any information they could about Khan and his frozen crew.

“He ruled Earth for awhile,” Jim commented.

Spock was not happy to hear the obvious admiration in the younger man’s voice.

“He had a relatively peaceful rule…” the Captain continued. “Not bad, for a despot...he and his crew were part of a special breeding program, like he said, and they are somewhere around three times stronger than a human.”

“As are Vulcans,” Spock said, trying to sound more conversational than defensive.

The blue eyes went to Spock and Jim grinned.

“Oh, yeah?”

Spock chastised himself internally for his weakness.

“Indeed,” he confirmed, pretending to focus on what he was reading.

Jim now turned his whole body to face Spock.

“Who do you think would win in a fight? You or Khan?”

His eyes were sparkling with mischief.

“As Khan observed, I would not be willing to break a bone, let alone a rule.”

Spock tried not to sound like he was mocking their captive, but knew that he had failed.

“So you’re saying he’d win?”

“I did not say that, Captain,” Spock retorted, raising his eyebrow.

Jim chuckled with delight.

“I think you’d beat him...if you were willing,” Kirk added offhandedly as he turned to continue his work.

He was sincere.

 _I would break every bone in his body if I saw him looking at you that way again._ Jim’s eyes darted up, his face a picture of surprise, and Spock realised that he had said that last part aloud.

He was spared any awkwardness though, as Jim released a booming laugh.

“Jealous, Spock?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Spock just lifted an eyebrow and looked pointedly back at his PADD.

“Focus, Jim.”

 

***

 

_This is not how it ends._

_This is not how it ends._

_This is not how it ends._

Spock’s heart hammered in his side as bright blue eyes looked at him through thick glass.

_No no no no no no_

_This is not how it ends._

The glass was cold under his skin as he tried to force the tears from his eyes so he could see his Captain...his T’hy’la…

_My Jim…._

Their hands would have been touching had it not been for the transparent door between them...he would have been able to take his katra...keep it...because it _belonged_ with him...Spock was _certain…_

He _believed._

_This is not how it ends._

He watched the life drain from the blue eyes that he loved so dearly...watched the man who had come to be his _everything_ leave the life as they knew it...leave Spock….

_I belong by your side…_

_This is not how it ends._

 

***

 

Spock had not accepted Nyota’s comfort. He waited for Jim to wake, and McCoy had looked upon him with an air of understanding.

“He’s getting better, Spock. You should get some rest.”

Spock had only shook his head, not trusting his voice.

He was grateful to Dr. McCoy, who had been the reason why Jim was alive now. Spock had been gazing into the white wall of the lobby, unable to rest or to meditate, when the CMO stepped into his line of vision.

“Spock. He’s waking up.”

The Vulcan preceded to rise to his feet when Leonard gently pushed him back down.

“Give us ten minutes, and then come on in, okay?”

Spock felt his eyes moisten and he looked down at his lap abruptly, the exhaustion making it difficult for him to regain control of himself.

“Thank you, Leonard.”

“Sure thing,” McCoy said gruffly, his voice gravelly with emotion.

 

Spock waited exactly 9 minutes and 59 seconds, all of which felt like hours, before he flung himself out of the seat and made a beeline for the hospital room. He pushed the door open and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the smiling blue eyes.

Jim was alive...and he was well….

 

“You saved my life,” Jim said, smiling up at him, the weakness in his body fading. Spock heard McCoy make some kind of snarky remark behind him, but he didn’t listen...all he could see was Jim...and all Jim seemed to see was Spock.

The Vulcan was vaguely aware of McCoy leaving the room, and the moment they were alone, Spock sank down onto the bed, seizing Jim’s hand in his own. He brought it to his lips and let out a shuddering breath.

“Come here,” Jim said, reaching out to him. “Lay with me.”

Spock obeyed and pulled Jim into his arms, letting out a sigh of relief at the familiar stream of thoughts...the weight of his katra...that which he had almost lost….

“I’m okay,” Jim reassured him gently.

Spock nodded, burying his nose in the soft locks of golden hair...finally relaxing as he sensed his t’hy’la’s increasing health.

“I shall not let you out of my sight,” Spock sighed.

Jim’s body rumbled a little with a soft chuckle, but fell silent, and soon they were both asleep in each other’s arms.

He believed.

 

***

 

Spock had a hard time leaving Jim’s side after that...couldn’t stand the thought of losing him again.

Nyota had begun to notice his distance...had commented on it only once, but Spock had said nothing.

The First Officer spent the evenings with Jim...foregoing the desk for the bed. They would lay on top of the covers, side by side, in the bed that had been made to accommodate two.

It was an unspoken thing.

They would discuss matters concerning the ship, and hold their PADD’s so that they could see each other’s work. Their efficiency rate had increased an impossible 56.9%, and their missions were a booming success.

At times they would fall asleep together like this, and Spock would wake up with a crick in his neck, his head resting on Jim’s who had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Spock enjoyed these nights, feeling Jim alive and close to him. Most of the time, they would both wake up, wordlessly strip into their underclothes and fall asleep together in the bed.

They wouldn’t often touch as they slept.

It was on one of these nights that Spock discovered that Jim had horrifying nightmares, causing the younger man to wake up trembling. It was only at those times that Spock would touch him, pulling him into his body and soothing him. He would stroke his hair and murmur calming words into his ear, as his mother used to when Spock was a child, or he would initiate a gentle meld to soothe the troubled thoughts, the way T’Pau, his grandmother would.

Either way, Spock would pour all of the love he had into Jim’s skin.

It never took long for Kirk to fall back into a deep and peaceful sleep, and Spock would watch him.

He believed.

_I know how it ends._

Spock had originally thought that the nightmares were stemmed from the trauma of experiencing death, until one night Jim had fallen asleep against him, his head resting on Spock’s shoulder.

The Vulcan pulled the PADD gently from Jim’s grasp with the intention of putting it on the nightstand when he happened to see the subject line of what Jim had been reading.

“For all survivors of Tarsus IV….”

Spock’s heart had gone ice cold at the words.

 

He waited until the next day to mention it.

“You were on Tarsus IV.”

Jim looked at him, not bothering to deny it.

“Yeah. I’m one of the last seven people in the universe who have ever seen Kodos in person.” He let out a humorless laugh. “Lucky me.”

“You never told me,” Spock said softly. There was no accusation in his tone. “I would have understood.”

Tears sprung to the corners of Jim’s eyes.

“ _I_ would have understood...if you had ever come to _me.”_ Kirk took Spock’s hand and brought it to his own face. “But we haven’t alway been friends, have we?”

Spock pulled him into his arms.

“I grieve with thee, t’hy’la….”

Jim pulled away and looked into Spock’s eyes, and the Vulcan cradled his face and pulled him into a soft kiss. Their lips moved together, and they both sighed when Jim opened his mouth and Spock licked into it to taste him….

It was like taking the first breath after being under water.

It felt so good...so right….

Jim pulled away reluctantly.

“Spock...this isn’t how it begins….”

The Vulcan pulled away, and Kirk looked panicked, like he didn’t want to let him go, but he released him anyway.

“I love you...fuck, Spock, I love you so fucking much _..._ I really-” Jim’s eyes were shining with tears, and he swallowed. “But Uhura...you two are...together. I’m not...I’m not that kind of person….”

_I know how it ends._

 

***

Like all of the agreements they seemed to have these days, this was an unspoken one.

Spock stopped coming to Jim’s quarters in the evening...stopped meditating with him in the morning...and stopped working out with the Captain after their shifts. They still spent their lunches together, playing chess, but they kept their conversations professional.

Spock tried to isolate the anguish that he felt in his heart. He had heard it said that time had the ability to heal wounds, but for the Vulcan, it just seemed to make it worse.

He tried spending more time with Nyota, who was extremely busy these days working with Mr. Scott on some project or another. She laughed a lot when she was with the Engineer, Spock noticed...she seemed happy when he was around...happy in a way that Spock had never made her happy. From afar, he watched Jim and McCoy become closer and closer.

On one particular evening, Spock was eating dinner in the rec room with Nyota and Mr. Scott who were hovering over the Chief Engineer’s PADD, speaking rapidly with one another, when Spock just so happened to glance (for the 20th time so far) over at the table where Jim and Leonard were sitting.

He watched with a heavy sorrow as the older man gently placed his hand on Jim’s. The Captain smiled at him warmly, and Spock had to fight the urge to storm over there and tear their hands apart.

 

As they all congregated for shore leave on Deneva, Spock overheard Jim and McCoy chatting away. Spock was able to hear enough of the conversation to know that the CMO intended on staying with Jim and his family on Deneva. It seemed from their conversation that Leonard knew the Kirks intimately...and then Spock heard it….

“So, should I change my name to Kirk after the wedding?”

“That might make life on the ship a little more confusing,” Jim pointed out.

“Not really,” the doctor replied. “You’ll be _Captain_ Kirk, and I’ll be _Doctor_ Kirk….”

“Don’t count your chickens yet, _doctor,_ you still need my stepdad’s approval before you marry any of his sons.”

“What are you talking about? Brandon _loves_ me-”

The doors slid shut before Spock could hear anything more.

He was broken.

Spock spent shore leave on the ship...not heeding any of Nyota’s pleas.

_This is not how it ends._

Spock would not stop believing….


	2. Chapter 2

He broke up with Nyota after shore leave on Deneva….

Spock had been in the transporter room with Scotty when everyone had arrived back, and he had seen Kirk wrap an arm around McCoy’s shoulder and say “Welcome to the family.”

Leonard looked relieved and happier than Spock had ever seen him.

“Weird how thing work out, huh? If I hadn’t been forced on that shuttle with you….”

Spock couldn’t bear to hear the rest.

 

The final blow was Ambassador Selek’s passing….

Spock was lost...a relic of an old love while the world moved on. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

Spock and McCoy sat in sickbay side by side while M’Benga and Dr. Chapel fussed over them with various items that Spock didn’t feel like classifying. 

“Well,” the CMO said converationally. “We lived.”

Their experience with Krall, the former Captain Balthazar M. Edison, had left the doctor battered, and Spock in desperate need of blood. Spock was happy that Leonard survived...despite his relationship with the man they both loved, he had developed a certain affection for McCoy...and he had always respected him. 

“I’m getting married in less than a  _ month,”  _ the doctor continued, and Spock felt himself swallow hard...trying to swallow his jealousy. 

Time had not healed Spock...and before this little adventure, the Vulcan had been convinced that the only answer was kholinar. 

_ But that would just take me from Jim’s side…. _

“I have heard of your engagement,” Spock said, trying to keep his tone light. 

“Really? Did Jim tell you? Because I haven’t told anyone.”

“You two seem to forget that I have exceptional hearing.” Upon realising that the bitterness was evident in his voice, he added “Congratulations, Leonard.”

“Yeah…” McCoy said, closing his eyes against exhaustion. “Who knew I’d fall for a Kirk?”

“The Captain is a magnetic individual,” Spock pointed out. 

“What?” Leonard said, opening his eyes in surprise. “What? No...no...no way. I’m marrying  _ Sam… _ ”

He must have seen the look of total confusion on the Vulcan’s face, because he continued. “I’m marrying Sam Kirk, Jim’s  _ brother.  _ We met a few years back when you and I went on that Medical Science convention...remember?”

Spock remembered...remembered McCoy talking to a lithe, handsome man with long, strawberry blonde hair tied back, a pair of old fashioned glasses over his pale blue eyes. 

Now that he thought about it, Spock remembered that McCoy had not returned to the hotel with him and the other Enterprise crew members who had attended….

It was like life had been opened up for Spock again...had laid itself out...something bright and full of possibility….Like he was seeing for the first time. 

“Did you really think I was marrying  _ Jim? _ I mean...I  _ love  _ him...he’s like a brother to me...and will soon be my brother-in- _ law _ ...but, I mean...that’s just weird...and then there’s  _ you- _ ”

“What about me?” Spock asked suddenly. 

“You know, for a genius, you can be a real idiot, Spock.”

Spock felt himself burst into relieved laughter, and McCoy joined in for a total of one second. 

“Christine! He’s doing it again!”

 

***

It was after Jim’s surprise birthday party that Spock realised that Nyota had somehow thought that their relationship had resumed. He went to her quarters that evening to rectify it.

“Make up your mind, Spock! Why do you keep doing this?”

“I have only done this once, Nyota. The events that transpired on that planet did not re-establish our relationship.”

“You  _ came  _ for me! You tried to  _ save  _ me! I thought I meant something to you!” 

There were tears of frustration in her eyes. 

“Because you are my  _ friend,  _ Nyota...one of my dearest and most treasured friends….”

Tears streamed down her face and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. 

“You said that you loved me….”

“Because I  _ do _ ...but it is a different kind of love….”

She offered him a watery smile which transformed quickly into a grimace. 

“Is there someone else?”

“Yes,” Spock said. 

“Is it Jim?” she asked in a choked voice, her eyes pits of fire. 

He closed his eyes and sighed. 

“Yes.”

She nodded and seemed to think. The tears were gone. 

“Please leave.”

“Nyota-”

“Please. Leave. I don’t want you here anymore.”

Spock obeyed, but didn’t leave her doorway, concerned for her wellbeing. Three minutes later, Scotty came running to the door. 

“What happened? Is Nya alrigh’?” the Scot demanded. 

Before Spock could answer, the doors swung open, and Uhura leapt out of her room, wrapping her arms tightly around the Engineer, who held her just as close. 

“Wha’ happened?” the Engineer said, his voice muffled by her hair. “Wha’s wrong? ‘Ave you been cryin’?”

Something inside of Spock pulled…

This was right. 

He believed.  __

He walked away, letting his dearest friend have what she truly deserved.  

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

A few weeks later, Spock accompanied Jim to Leonard and Sam’s wedding ceremony at the Kirk ranch in Riverside. Uhura and Scotty had been there as well...together. 

Jim looked over at the two engineers...the Scot with his hand on the small of Nyota’s back while saying something that made her head fall back with laughter. Then Jim looked back at Spock who simply met his gaze. 

Neither of them said a word. 

 

Spock accepted a dance with Winona Kirk, who was careful not to touch his bare skin, he didn’t fail to notice. She was a good dancer, and she smiled a lot. He could see the resemblance between her and her sons...could see where Jim had gotten his beautiful bone structure.

When her husband, Brandon (Frank had been kicked out of the picture long ago), asked politely to cut in, she hugged Spock and whispered “One down and one to go, Mr. Spock.”

She grinned and winked at him before she got whisked away for another dance. 

Spock watched them for a moment in stunned silence. 

He felt the pull inside of him. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

Spock danced with Jim….relishing the feeling of holding his t’hy’la against him. Jim leaned his head against Spock’s shoulder. 

“I miss you,” he said softly. 

“As I you,” Spock murmured, leaning his cheek against the soft hair. 

“I miss meditating with you….”

“My exercise is much less effective without my adequate sparring partner….”

Spock felt Jim’s body move in silent laughter, he was holding him so close. 

“I miss our late night conferences…” Kirk ventured. 

“I do not rest well when I’m not beside you,” Spock replied before he could think about it. 

Jim pulled away so they could look at each other, their hands clasped tightly as they danced. Jim leaned up and placed a soft kiss on the corner of Spock’s mouth. 

“This isn’t how it begins,” he whispered, looking apologetic. 

Spock felt himself smile in spite of himself, enjoying feeling the warmth of his beloved in his arms. 

“To know that there is a beginning is enough.”

Jim smiled brightly in a way that Spock hadn’t seen him smile since they had stopped spending as much time together. And it was real. 

Jim leaned his head against Spock’s shoulder again. 

And he believed. 

 

***

 

Spock and Jim shed their formal jackets so that they could help clean up after the reception with the rest of the immediate family. Leonard and Sam were scheduled to leave for their honeymoon the next morning, so they were there too. It would not have taken so long with that many people helping had it not been for the fact that the Kirks didn’t know how to do anything without making a game of it. They made a small campfire that Peter, Leonard’s new stepson, was using to make marshmallows. 

While Sam held open a trash bag, Winona and Jim competed on their aim, throwing trash from long distances. 

Winona had better aim. 

When they were finished, they sat around the fire, having caught a second wind...Peter sleeping against Winona, and Jim leaning against Spock, their hands interlocked while sparks of flame drifted into the purple dawn. 

_ I know how it ends. _

 

By the time they retired, the sky was pale and misty. Jim led Spock by the wrist to his old bedroom and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

 

***

 

Two months later, they were sent on a mission to the planet Katerma. They were met by a beautiful civilization that, though they had superior technology, lived in mud huts in a lush forest. They were completely in tune with their planet and told the Enterprise team so using their own universal translators. The Katermatians were humanoid, but had gills instead of noses and had wings that, as McCoy said, looked like the shells of June bugs. They were kind and hospitable and offered the team their own private camps of mud huts to reside during their negotiations. Jim, Spock, McCoy, Sulu and Chekov, with the permission of the Katermatians, were exploring the forest around where they were residing, when Kirk fell into a bog of bright blue mud. 

“Jim!”

Spock ran to the Captain who was standing waist deep in the thick, blue substance, his hands in the air, his eyes wide, looking guilty. 

McCoy was there in a flash, running his medical scanner over Jim while Spock ran his Tricorder over the mud. 

Both the CMO and the First Officer seemed to sigh with relief at the same time. 

“You’re fine, it’s just mud,” McCoy said. “Enjoy your facial, princess.”

Jim sighed. 

“Well, thank God. Help me out of this grossness, would ya, Bones?”

The doctor knelt down and reached out his hand on reflex and Jim leapt out of the bog, grabbing McCoy’s upper arm and pulling him head first into the mud. 

Sulu and Chekov began laughing hysterically when Bones came popping back out, wide eyed and covered in blue. 

Jim was cracking up and subtly moving away, as though he knew he had raised the ire of his best friend.

“You look like a smurf- _ fuck!-” _

McCoy lunged for him. “You little shit!”

Bones tackled him, grabbing handfuls of mud and rubbing it into Jim’s hair and smearing it all over his face. 

“Noooo!!” Kirk wailed with laughter. 

McCoy flung some blue mud in Chekov’s direction, who jumped back reflexively, stepping on a large purple flower from which erupted thick, pink powder. Sulu pointed and laughed at him too. 

Spock was watching the scene, his chest bursting with amusement as he clung to his tricorder protectively. 

Soon there was blue mud flying, and pink smoke drifting through the air, clinging to their skin. 

McCoy and Jim had crawled out of the mud, and the CMO was chasing their helmsman wielding a handful of mud while Jim was walking towards Spock, his arms outstretched. 

“Spoooock.”

“No.”

“C’mere, Spock!”

Spock raised his eyebrow and he clung to the Tricorder like a shield. 

“Absolutely not.”

“Come oooon!”

“No.”

Spock hadn’t realised that he had been backing up the entire time until he felt the tree trunk against his back. Jim, seeing that he was trapped, jumped on him, tackling him to the ground, getting blue mud all over the Vulcan while somewhere behind them, Sulu and McCoy had teamed up to drag the Russian navigator to the bog. 

Spock rolled on top of Jim, holding his arms down by his wrists. He could feel his bangs sticking to his forehead, plastered there by blue mud. 

“I win,” Jim said softly, relaxing under the weight of Spock’s body. Spock couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Jim’s eyes glow like this...happiness emanating from their shared contact. 

Spock felt lighter….

After a lifetime of feeling as though he had the weight of the universe on his shoulders...like he had been too emotional for the Vulcans, too cold for Humans...emotionally distant from his mother...a disappointment to his father...absent from his sister….

After it all, he realised that now, with Jim grinning up at him, blue mud sticking to his face, he was exactly where he belonged...like he could never be a part of this picture if he had not been his own imperfect self. He had found his place in the universe. 

Jim’s fingers traced along Spock’s wrist.

It was a perfect moment. 

“Get a hut, you two!” Sulu hollered.

Jim leaned his head back and laughed, using Spock’s distraction to escape from the Vulcan’s grasp and blast the older man with another purple flower. 

When Spock exhaled, he saw pink dust color his breath. 

He gave Jim an unamused look, which just made Kirk laugh even harder. 

 

When they staggered out of the forest towards their camp, laughing, they saw a group of the natives, including their Princess, standing near their campfire. When the Katermatians saw them, they smiled and began clicking their wings, which, Spock had read, was their equivalent to clapping their hands. 

“The Forest has accepted you!” the Princess said. “We know now that we can trust you, and your Federation! Please stay the evening, and tomorrow, we will make a formal announcement.”

 

They managed to get the majority of the muck off in the clear river nearby. All five men stripped to their underwear...all except Chekov, who stood stark naked in the river without a hint of modesty. 

They stood under the waterfall, vigorously running their hands through their hair, watching blue and pink streams wash away in the clear water. The whole process took far too long, because Chekov decided to shove Sulu into the water, who grabbed Jim by the arm, taking him down into the water with him. 

When they popped back up, Sulu splashed Jim who seized him, giving him a /noogie. 

“No!!”

“Say Uncle!!!”

Sulu jumped back, submerging them both.

 

“Last one out gets to wash our clothes!” McCoy yelled. The men scrambled. 

The last ones out were Hikaru and Jim, who ended up washing the clothes in the river, their undershirts wrapped around their heads like old fashioned washer women.

Spock watched them with unbridled amusement as he and Chekov hung the clothes to dry, and McCoy swam lazily in the water, practicing his backstroke. 

Jim kept glancing up at Spock and looking away with a grin when he saw that he had the Vulcan’s attention. 

 

Once it was all relatively clean, they walked back to their camp, the air drying them along the way. By that time, night had fallen, and so they ate dinner around the fire, and went to bed in their respective huts. 

 

***

 

The rain had already begun to fall when Spock quietly exited his hut, and he was drenched when he got to his Captain’s. 

Jim was waiting for him, and pulled him inside, stroking his wet hair affectionately. 

Spock placed his hands gently on Jim’s hips, and Kirk leaned up, kissing the rain soaked lips fully. 

They moved together, their kisses becoming deeper and more heated. Spock pushed his tongue into Jim’s mouth, and the younger man sighed, melting into the taller man’s arms. Spock pulled away reluctantly, and Jim chased him, planting another sweet kiss on his lips before they rested their heads together, breathing each other’s air...their bodies pressed against each other...Spock’s underclothes getting Jim’s wet with rain water. 

Spock had to tear his eyes away from Kirk’s plump lips...swollen from his kisses. 

“Jim…”

“Yes,” Jim said immediately. 

“Is this-”

“Yes.”

“This is-”

“Yes,” Jim repeated, kissing Spock again. “Yes, yes, yes.”

Kirk cradled Spock’s face and kissed him thoroughly...as though he had been waiting for this moment. 

“This is how it begins.”

 

***

Jim’s head fell back and he let out a shuddering moan as Spock slid into his prepared entrance. 

They had left their wet clothes on the floor as they had helped each other strip them off, and now they lay naked in the warm bundle of blankets that had been laid out for them. 

They explored each other’s skin with their hands and their mouths...Spock wanting to know every part of Jim...discovering the sweet sounds he made when he was kissed or touched somewhere...and Jim couldn’t keep his lips to himself, kissing Spock like he wanted to memorize him. 

Spock collected every moan, every kiss, and every whisper...cradling each one in his heart like a treasure. 

After letting Jim adjust to his size, he pulled out and thrusted back in, and the blue eyes opened, looking into his. Spock kissed him and felt it singing through their skin...trust, pleasure, happiness….

Jim wrapped his legs around Spock’s waist as the Vulcan picked up the pace, letting his hands slide along Kirk’s thighs, squeezing his hips affectionately as he rocked steadily into him. Spock discovered that night that his t’hy’la was a very vocal lover...and if their crewmates could hear Jim screaming Spock’s name into the rainy night, the Vulcan couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

_ Mine now...you’re finally mine, Jim.  _

“I’ve always been yours, Spock,” Jim whispered back. Spock looked down at him, realising that he had, once again, spoken his thoughts aloud. Jim looked so vulnerable as he said “I think I always will be.”

Spock kissed him again, pouring every ounce of love he felt for Jim into it. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

The next morning, McCoy gave them a pointed look as they both emerged from the same hut, late for breakfast. They must have looked quite the pair...Jim with his kiss swollen lips and blue streaks still in his hair, and Spock with his underclothes terribly wrinkled from being on the floor all night, and splotches of pink still coloring his skin.

They managed to eat, dress and make themselves look as presentable as possible by the time the Princess returned to their camp to make the formal announcement that her planet would be joining the Federation. 

As Spock and Jim stood side by side to thank the Princess of Katerma, their hands brushed subtly, and Spock felt an enormous sense of wellbeing. 

He believed. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

_ *** _

They didn’t make their relationship public for another five months, preferring to keep things private for the time being. In the meantime, Spock had been sleeping in Jim’s quarters every night. They took meditation together every morning in their shared space, ate lunch together while playing chess, sparred together after their shifts, which usually ended with Jim on his back...promises whispering through their skin. 

They ate dinner together, sometimes showered together, and went to bed together. 

And Spock believed. 

 

***

 

Jim was helping Spock unpack the rest of his things into his space when he came across the book of Vulcan poetry that Michael had sent to Spock. 

Jim flipped it open and smiled. 

“Your sister?”

Spock, who was laying out his incense, glanced over and nodded.

“It’s so weird to see Vulcan handwritten, you know?” Jim commented as he carefully turned the pages. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

“She has heard a great deal about you,” Spock replied truthfully, coming to the younger man’s side and wrapping a hand around his waist. 

“What does this one say?” Jim asked, pointing to a small line of poetry. 

“Meet me at the end so that we shall make a start of it all.”

Spock translated. 

“It’s beautiful,” Jim murmured. 

“It is much more so in Vulcan,” Spock replied. “I shall have to teach you.”

Kirk looked up at him with questioning eyes and then smiled, something sad painting its edges. 

“Do we have enough time?”

Spock looked at him, feeling confused and astonished...and then clarity….

_ I know how it ends.  _

And Jim did not. 

 

***

Jim was laying against Spock on their couch, both on their PADDs, working. 

“Remind me to sign Peter’s birthday card,” Jim murmured distractedly. 

“Sign Peter’s birthday card,” Spock replied, kissing the gold mop of hair. 

“Heh,” Jim let out a little huff of laughter. “Some help you are. Remind me to promote Scotty to First Officer, he’d be more helpful- _ ah!! _ ”

Spock had dropped his PADD and was grabbing Jim on his sides where he knew he was most ticklish. 

“I am reminding you...” Spock wrestled Jim until he was on top of him, “to promote Mr. Scott...” he kissed him now, “to First Officer….”

Spock kissed him again, and Jim leaned up into it, his body rolling seductively against his own. “And…” another kiss, “sign your nephew’s birthday card….”

They didn’t get any more work done after that. 

 

***

Jim and Spock were getting ready for a formal event in their quarters. The Captain was donning his formal Uniform, while Spock had chosen to wear traditional, Vulcan formalwear for the evening. When Spock walked out of the bathroom, Jim stopped what he was doing so he could let his eyes rise and fall over the tall figure. The feeling was mutual, as Spock didn’t fail to notice the way the Uniform was tailored to fit his t’hy’la’s frame perfectly. 

When their eyes met, Jim looked a little bashful. 

“Well who are you, tall stranger?” Jim asked grinning. “You look so gorgeous...I don’t even want to look at you...it’s like looking into the sun.”

“Are you alone here...attractive...human?” Spock tried, and Jim threw his head back and laughed heartily. 

“No,” Jim was shaking his head, giggling uncontrollably while Spock crowded him. 

“Allow me to dance a mating dance of my people to win your favor,” Spock teased, causing his lover to burst into uncontrollable laughter.

These were Spock’s favorite moments...the kind of moments that would catch in his memory like stones in a river...time moving around them like water.  

Spock kissed Jim’s smile, and he believed. 

 

***

One night they were lying in bed, reading from their PADD’s. Jim laid his aside, pulling his clothes off until he was stark naked. Every time Spock tried to help, Jim pushed him back down. Then he unbuckled Spock’s belt, kissing him all the while, undoing his pants and pulling them down to release the large Vulcan dick, which was already leaking its natural lubrication. Jim stroked it a few times before looking straight into his eyes and easing himself down onto it slowly. Spock moaned helplessly as Jim began riding his cock, while the Vulcan held his hips and pushed up into him. 

“I love you, Spock,” Jim sighed. 

Spock reached up and placed his fingers on the younger man’s psi points…sending him his love...his adoration...his endless devotion...letting it rush through Jim’s mind so that the blue eyes dropped closed, his mouth opening in ecstacy. They both let out a final cry and Jim came all over Spock’s Science Blues. 

But Spock didn’t care. 

He pulled Jim down, pulling his spent cock from his lover gently and holding him, satisfaction humming in their touch. Spock stroked Kirk’s hair and placed a small kiss on his human’s nose. Jim smiled a small smile that faltered just a little...and Spock let his fingers trace the line of Jim’s lips. 

“What is it, ashayam?”

The corner of Jim’s lips turned down ever so slightly, his eyes moistening. 

“Jim,” Spock said, suddenly concerned, looking into Jim’s eyes and placing a small kiss on his lips that Kirk returned fervently. 

“What is it?” Spock asked again, brushing his hands over the soft, naked skin. 

“The countdown….”

Spock looked at him questioningly. 

“Until it ends...I haven’t forgotten that our days together are numbered, Spock.”

Spock’s eyes widened when he realised what Jim was referring to.  _ I know how it ends.  _

“Jim-”

A tear rolled down Jim’s cheek and he kissed Spock. 

“A part of me wants to break up with you right now...because I can’t imagine this going so bad that we’re not together anymore...I can’t imagine this  _ ending… _ ” Jim’s words choked and he let out a shuddering breath. “It’s like I’ve loved you my whole life...and it just keeps getting better...I don’t even want to know what I’d be missing.”

Jim looked away and Spock’s heart dropped. He cradled his lover’s face, staring at the blue eyes until they finally met his again. 

“This is not how it ends, Jim,” Spock said. 

Another fat tear rolled down Jim’s face. 

“I know…” Kirk whispered, “because even though I’m dreading finding out how this will end...I’m even more afraid of not enjoying every single second of  _ this.” _

Jim took Spock’s hand and kissed it. “I’ll take what I can get, Spock...for however long I can.”

_ I know how it ends.  _

“As will I, my t’hy’la.”

 

***

Spock had now, officially moved all of his things into Jim’s room. Over the ten months they had been together, he had decorated the walls with his Vulcan artifacts that Jim had helped him save from their frosty demise. 

Jim was an active participant, zealously incorporating Spock into the very fabric of his life. The pictures of their mothers were on the mantle side by side, their clothes hung in the same closet, Jim’s jar of coffee (he preferred everything extra fresh) was sitting beside Spock’s tin of tea. 

Spock was to send the letter to Starfleet the next day saying that he had officially moved out of that room.

When they laid in bed that night, Jim draped over Spock, half asleep, the Vulcan asked “Are you certain about this, Jim?”

“Never been more sure about anything in my life,” Jim murmured back. 

And Spock felt his heart warm. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

 

“I don’t see how my past relationship with Gary has anything to do with  _ us, _ ” Jim continued adamantly.

“His was longest relationship you’ve ever had that was directly followed by a string of ‘meaningless flings’ as you would call it,” Spock said, speaking rapidly as he was wont to do when he was upset. 

He waved the photograph in front of Jim. 

“You have his picture still-”

“That’s not a picture of  _ just  _ Gary, Spock! That’s me and a group of friends climbing a mountain!”

“Did the two of you share a tent?”

“What the fuck does that- _ yeah  _ Spock! Probably! He  _ was _ my boyfriend at the time! I’m not going to throw all of my memories away just because  _ one  _ person was a part of them!”

“Which one of you ended the relationship?”

“None of your fucking  _ business  _ you psycho!”

“And you never felt for any of the others what you felt for him?”

Spock knew that this wasn’t about Gary Mitchell...it wasn’t about any of Jim’s exes...this was about the timeline...this was about their countdown….

Spock believed.

_ I know how it ends.  _

But there was some niggling voice in the back of Spock’s mind...one that refused to shut up...the one that still remembered every word the other Vulcan boys had said to him...the one that told him that his mother’s death was his fault….

“No, Spock...I never felt for them the way that I felt about Gary...just like I never felt for Gary the way that I feel about  _ you... _ I never loved him like you….”

Jim looked panicked, grabbing Spock’s forearms as though to keep him from leaving. 

“I  _ did  _ love him Spock...just like you loved Uhura...but we both know that this is  _ different. _ ”

Spock looked into Jim’s eyes...the bitter idea that had been haunting his mind slithering out of his mouth unbidden like a snake. 

“The only reason why you feel this way about me...why you cling to permanence is because you know that it’s  _ temporary. _ ”

And there it was. 

The fear that he had been harboring in his heart. 

Jim looked as though he had been smacked. 

“How dare you say that to me?” 

Jim dropped his hands and backed away.

“How-” his voice was a choked whisper, his eyes filling with tears. “How fucking dare you-”

Jim scrubbed his hands over his face. “If I had the chance to keep you-if I could make this last forever-” Jim’s eyes turned angry. “But you can, but you  _ won’t  _ will you? How does it end, Spock, huh? How do you  _ leave  _ me?”

Spock felt like the world was crumbling before him...an avalanche of his own making. 

“Jim-”

“No! How does it  _ end,  _ Spock?”

Spock looked into the eyes of his beloved and remembered what the Priestess had shown him all that time ago. 

He shook his head wordlessly, and Jim looked as though his heart was breaking. 

“Aren’t you going to stop it, Spock? Since you know how it ends, can’t you stop it from happening?”

Spock said nothing, not making any moves, a lump in his throat. 

“Why? Is it inevitable? Is it out of your  _ control _ ?”

Spock thought for a moment and reluctantly shook his head. 

“Then why don’t you  _ stop  _ it?” Jim begged. “Why?”

Spock swallowed, bracing himself. “Because I do not wish to.”

Jim’s eyes seemed to lose their light at that moment...losing focus and then looking away. His shoulders slumped and he stepped even farther away from Spock. 

“Jim-”

“Get the fuck out.”

“Please, Jim, let me explain-”

“No! Get the fuck out right now or I’m calling security.”

Spock obeyed, leaving his Jim behind. He heard his love let out a sob before the doors closed behind him, cutting the sound short. 

_ I know how it ends.  _


	3. Chapter 3

Jim barely spoke to Spock on the Bridge the next day. He didn’t meet him for lunch...didn’t offer more than one syllable answers when his First Officer asked questions...didn’t meet him after their shift. 

_ This is not how it ends. _

 

“Jim  _ please _ …” Spock pleaded on the other side of the door. 

Uhura passed, her hand on her growing belly, with Chekov carrying her items behind her. She gave Spock a sympathetic look and reached out to squeeze his arm affectionately before grabbing the gaping navigator and dragging him away from the scene. 

“Ashayam…” Spock tried, planting his hand against the door. He waited for a minute and then turned around, sinking to the ground, his back leaning on the door. 

4.99 minutes later, the doors slid open and Spock fell back inelegantly. Jim glared down at him, his bright blue eyes red and puffy with tears. 

“You are such a  _ shithead. _ ”

Spock got to his feet and let the doors shut behind him...ready to face his understandably furious lover. 

Jim was fuming. 

“ _ Temporary?  _ Spock? Are you fucking  _ kidding  _ me? You’re my First Officer! We’ve just signed on for another  _ five year mission  _ and you think that  _ anything _ that we have together would  _ ever _ be  _ temporary _ ?”

“Please, Jim,” Spock said, his words hushed with the tears that were forming in the back of his throat. 

“You said you didn’t want to stop this from ending…” the human said, crossing his arms over himself protectively...and Spock wanted to hold him...to  _ show  _ him that he could be his protector….

“It is...not what you think, T’hy’la.”

“Are you holding this over my head because you think this is the only way I’ll stay with you?” Jim asked, looking horrified at the idea. “Do you really think that a promise of an ending is the only thing keeping me here, because if that’s the truth-”

“No, Jim,” Spock implored him. “I-”

“I don’t love you because you’re  _ temporary,”  _ Jim blurted out tearfully, fresh tears springing to his eyes. 

“Forgive me Jim, I spoke from a place of rejection and pain,” Spock pleaded, reaching out for his t’hy’la. “This is not how it ends, ashayam.”

Jim cleared the space between them, falling into Spock’s arms. 

“I am sorry, my love…” Spock whispered. “I have an illogical fear...after an entire life of being unaccepted... _ how  _ could someone like  _ you  _ love someone like  _ me _ ?”

Jim sniffled into Spock’s blue shirt, and then leaned his face up to look at him. “I thought you were a genius….”

Spock kissed him deeply. “Some things you will have to teach me.”

 

That night, Spock made love to Jim slow and deep...tasting him...wringing moans of pleasure from those sweet lips...and when they had finished, they lay together, holding each other.

“How does it end?”

Spock shook his head. “As a Vulcan...I do not believe that things  _ end... _ they simply change...or go back to where they came from….”

“That’s such a bullshit answer,” Jim grumbled. “So what...we’ll just go back to being...friends?”

“I did not say that, ashayam.”

“Okay,” Jim seemed to think for a minute, and Spock knew that something was brewing in his brilliant Partner’s mind. “You’re afraid that I love you because I know it has a time limit...and I’m afraid that you’re keeping this information from me to keep me around...so why don’t we give each other some insurance?”

Spock glanced down at him. “Elaborate.”

“Give me a  _ hint  _ Spock...so that I can do everything I can to prevent it...then  _ you  _ know that I’m trying...and then  _ I  _ know that you’ll let me….”

The Vulcan sighed, but he knew he could not say no to this small favor. He recalled the vision so that he could answer honestly. 

“We will both be on New Vulcan.”

Jim was quiet and then he snuggled closer to Spock, who held him closer. “Then I’m never going to New Vulcan.”

The Vulcan shut his eyes and breathed in the scent of Jim. 

“Man was not meant to know their own destinies, Jim…but in the end, the choice is always our own….No matter how final it may seem...it is entirely up to you.”

“And  _ you _ ,” Jim reminded him, his breath warm against Spock’s neck. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

_ No, Jim...just you.  _

 

***

“No, I hate pink. We are not doing pink,” Nyota commanded. 

“This isn’t pink, it’s  _ cherry blossom,”  _ Sulu corrected her, removing the picture of the cake anyway and handing it to Chekov who was putting it into the ever growing “No” pile. 

“How about this one? It’s white! Totally neutral and it’s  _ chocolate  _ on the inside!” Jim said, handing Uhura a picture he had found in the catalogue. 

“Oh, God no! It’s ugly! And white is for weddings! Aren’t gay guys supposed to be good at this stuff?” Uhura teased. 

“Stereotypes are harmful and untrue,” Sulu shot back. 

“And I’ll have you know, Spock and I are bisexual,” Jim added.

“I found the perfect table skirt!” Sulu cut in, handing his PADD to the communications officer who nodded with adamant approval. 

“I didn’t think that the mother-to-be usually planned her own shower,” Jim ventured. 

“I have to. You people will just ruin everything,” she mumbled. 

“Where’s Scotty?” Sulu asked, taking the cake catalogue away from Jim who relinquished it to the professional without a word. 

“He’s been craving avocados,” said Uhura, looking through her PADD. “And he says our quarters smell like bacon, so he can’t be in here when he’s hungry. How are you doing over there, Spock?”

Spock stared at the log in front of him...having no idea what he was looking at. In all his years as a Science Officer exploring new planets, had he ever felt so out of his element. 

“I do not understand the concept behind...whatever this is.”

Jim scooched closer to Spock, placing his hand subtly over the Vulcan’s. 

“It’s a game where you’re supposed to observe the baby food smeared on the bib, and like smell it and stuff, maybe lick it a little, and then guess what’s in it.”

Spock looked at Jim squarely in the face. 

“That is disgusting.”

Jim bursted into laughter, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“So what are  _ your  _ plans?” Nyota asked, eyeing them both with a knowing smile. “Either of you got baby fever yet?”

Spock felt Jim tense at his side, and he squeezed his hand affectionately. 

“We have not yet discussed it,” Spock said. 

It had been a month since they’d had their fight...but after their little “insurance deal,” they both seemed to be able to put the countdown behind them...and the talk of children….

Spock glanced over at Jim, who was smiling to himself….

It was real, and he believed. 

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

 

“Is Magenta even a  _ name?” _ Jim said, lying against Spock on their favorite couch. “I thought it was a color...or like...a superhero….”

Somehow Jim had gotten his hands on the book of baby names that Uhura had hated, and now he was reading through them with intense interest. 

“And Clemency...is this a baby name book or a dictionary?”

Spock could feel himself smiling as he stroked the golden locks of his lover’s hair, his eyes on the PADD in front of him...putting the final touches on his...project.

“What would you name our daughter, Spock?” Jim asked, screwing his body around so he could look up at his lover. 

Spock thought about it for a moment. “Petra.”

“Okay, no, my mom named her pomeranian that.”

“Flower.”

“Okay, you’re thinking of pet names.”

“....Starbright….”

“Yeah, you’re off baby name duty.”

He flipped the book open again. 

“Prudence…. There’s nothing good in here either...I can see why Nyota hated it….”

“It is more traditional on Vulcan to name our children after they have been born...to find a name that suits them.”

“Are you gonna speechify our kids too?” the human asked, smiling softly at Spock. 

“Speechify?” Spock raised an eyebrow at his beloved, whose blue eyes were adamant. 

“It’s a word, Spock!”

The Vulcan blinked at him. 

“I swear, look it up...here, I bet you can find it in this...baby book-”

Spock kissed him softly on the lips to quiet him.

“I got something for Nyota...from both of us...if that’s okay,” Jim said, looking up at Spock. 

The Vulcan kissed him again. 

“What is it?” 

Jim hopped up and retrieved something from their nightstand, handing it to Spock. 

It was a book...with real pages. 

“‘Winnie the Pooh,’” Spock read the title, an eyebrow rising. “Speaking of names….”

“Don’t knock it...it’s got some powerful stuff for kids in there.”

Spock flipped open the pages, his eyes stopping on the words. 

_ How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. _

 

_ I know how it ends.  _

“Cute, huh?” Jim asked, kneeling down and planting a kiss on his lips. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Spock watched as Jim pulled his overshirt off seductively, his hair getting mussed from the shirt, and he winked. 

“Gonna join me Mr. Spock?” Jim asked, stradling the Vulcan on the sofa. 

“I think I may need more convincing…” Spock said, eyeing his human hungrily. 

“Fine…” Jim grinned and pulled off his undershirt. “Then could you put this in the hamper for me?”

Kirk went to stand up, and Spock sprang up and pulled his laughing lover into his arms….

In all of their activities, Spock didn’t hear the message come through on his PADD from his father. 

 

***

 

Spock had Jim up against the wall of their quarters, making out like teenagers, Jim’s fingers entwined in Spock’s hair, and the Vulcan’s hand was up Kirk’s shirt, tweaking a nipple, making Jim sigh and shudder, when the chirp of the communicator forced them to break apart. 

“This is Captain Kirk,” Jim said, hissing a little under his breath when Spock chose that moment to latch onto his neck. 

“Captain, Ambassador Sarek requests an audience,” Uhura said on the other end. 

Spock pulled away, his heartbeat kicking up.

Jim looked at him with determined blue eyes. 

He cleared his throat. 

“Got it! Pipe it through to our quarters.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim said nothing as he detangled himself from the Vulcan and sat in front of the computer, fixing his hair quickly before the stoic face appeared on the other side. 

“Greetings, Captain,” Sarek said, with the usual, stiff Vulcan politeness.

“Greetings, Ambassador. How can I be of service?”

“I have just been informed by your commanding Admiral that you will be passing New Vulcan on your way to your next mission.”

“Is that so?” Jim said, his voice blank.

“I would like to request your presence. We have some important matters to discuss. I should also like to extend this invitation to Commander Spock as well.”

“I’m afraid we’re kind of on a tight schedule, Ambassador,” Jim said immediately. “Could I beam you up, and we can treat you here on the Enterprise?”

“I understand that you are three days ahead of schedule,” Sarek replied. 

Spock could almost hear the Captain cursing in his mind. 

Jim cleared his throat. 

“I’d be happy to send Spock down for a few hours, but I’m afraid I can’t accompany him. There’s too much to do on the ship to spare us both.”

Jim tried to sound apologetic while he used his stalling tactic. Spock’s heart swelled when he realised how much he was willing to do to prevent their ending. 

_ I love you, Jim.  _

_ I know how it ends.  _

“Then if I could request  _ your  _ presence, you could leave your First Officer in charge in the meantime,” Sarek compromised. 

Jim’s eyes lit up as thought he had won some sort of victory. 

“That sounds agreeable,” Jim said. 

“Then it is settled. We shall convene on New Vulcan tomorrow afternoon. I will send you the details.”

With that, Sarek was gone. 

Jim stood up and grinned at Spock, kissing him fully on the mouth. “No one’s taking you away from me...not some Fortune Teller in a tent...not anyone….”

Spock pulled him closer and kissed him deeper. 

_ I know how it ends. _

 

***

 

Spock pushed into Jim in just the right way...making the younger man sigh sweetly. He knew that if he tilted his hips just so-

“ _ AAh! Ah! Spock!” _

And if he pushed right there-

“ _ Ohmygod fuuuck….” _

They held onto each other, and Spock kissed him while making love to him slowly...just the way Jim liked...the way Jim loved...the way that would make Jim love him tonight...even if he didn’t love him tomorrow….

_ I know how it ends.  _

 

***

Spock was at the Transporter to see Jim off for his meeting with his father. 

Jim seemed cheerful as he brushed a kiss on Spock’s lips and turned to go to the landing pad, when Spock gently took Jim by his forearms. 

“I love you, Jim,” Spock said softly into Kirk’s eyes. 

“I love you, Spock,” Jim said, smiling warmly.

It was real. 

“Jim...no matter  _ what _ ...I will always love you...and anything that I do is because of this reason...and anything that you decide will never change that….”

Jim looked a little confused, but happy either way. 

“I know.”

They kissed again for so long that it was the sound of Scotty clearing his throat that broke them apart. They looked over at him, and he had tears in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry-” the Engineer choked. “It’s jus’ so beautiful-don’ mind me-pregnancy hormones and such.”

Spock kissed Jim again, reluctant to let him leave. 

But Jim left, blowing him a kiss from the landing pad. 

Spock waited five minutes after Kirk had disappeared before he stepped onto the landing pad. 

“Mr. Scott, send me to the same coordinates.”

 

***

Jim was smiling and chatting with Sarek until he saw Spock walk into the room. His smile dropped and his blue eyes widened in panic. 

“Something wrong, Mr. Spock?” he asked, genuinely concerned. 

“No, Captain. All is well,” Spock replied, sitting down a chair away from him at the table, turning to his father. “Greetings, Ambassador.”

“Thank you for joining us, Commander,” Sarek responded, not seeming a bit surprised to see his son. 

“Uh, then...what are you doing here, Spock?” Jim asked, his eyes hard. 

“Mr. Scott has the con,” Spock assured him. 

Jim looked away, back at Sarek, refusing to meet Spock’s eyes...betrayal painting his features so subtly that only Spock would be able to see it...like invisible ink. 

“Captain Kirk, I understand that you are in a relationship with my son, and I am obligated to give you some information before you make any decisions in haste.”

“I assure you that I wouldn’t make any decisions of this importance in haste,” Jim said with clipped politeness. 

“I understand. But I am, nevertheless obligated, as his father, to inform you.”

Kirk seemed to arrange himself into a position of patience, as though he was as willing to listen to a lecture as he was to change his mind. 

“Did Spock clarify that Vulcans require bonding to survive?”

“He did,” Jim confirmed. 

“Did he inform you that a bond of this manner can not be broken?”

“Yes.”

“Did he explain that a bond is the difference between life or death unless the Vulcan in question undergoes an emotional purge?”

“He didn’t go into detail, but yes.”

“Did he explain to you that his life has been shortened because of his hybrid status?”

Spock could feel his heart begin to beat harder….

_ I know how it ends.  _

“He did,” Jim said slowly, confused as to the relevance. 

“Did he tell you that a bond with a human would shorten his life even more?”

Spock stared at Jim, whose eyes narrowed. 

“I don’t understand….”

“When a bond is made, the two lifelines turn to meet each other, Captain Kirk. This ensures that both parties will not be without each other. It is a biological side effect.”

“Does that mean that your life was shortened? You were bonded to a human…”

“Her life was cut short by unnatural circumstances.”

Pain that only Spock would be able to recognize shot through his father’s eyes. “When she and I bonded, our ages were at...an equivalent...if you will. I am significantly older than she is by Earth standards, but by Vulcan standards, we were the same age.”

“And that’s different with us…” Jim said, his eyes going unfocused as he seemed to realise the true problem. 

“Because you are not so far apart in years,” Sarek completed the thought for him. 

The Ambassador met Spock’s eyes, and the younger Vulcan felt his heart sink. He knew that this was his father’s duty...to protect his son. 

“There are also, Vulcan children to be taken into consideration,” Sarek continued, and Spock’s heart squeezed. “Our population has depleted, and so our culture is as endangered as our species. It is important to raise Vulcan children with their culture in order to preserve it.”

Jim closed his eyes for a second, as though all of this information was giving him a headache. 

“There are many Vulcan women who have graciously accepted the role of repopulation assistants, but they are unable to care for all of the children they bear. Due to Spock’s hybrid status, he is unable to produce his own offspring and will more than likely be asked to take the responsibility of at least one of these children after he has bonded.”

Jim nodded. 

“I hope that you understand my meaning, Captain. I wish only to supply you with all of the information necessary.”

Jim nodded again, his eyes looking dead. 

“Thank you, Ambassador. I understand.”

Jim didn’t look at Spock as they left the conference room and walked out into the New Vulcan desert air. 

_ I know how this ends.  _

 

***

 

Spock and Jim sat silently on one of the cliffs that the Vulcans had begun to build their ceremonial sites. It overlooked the new colony being built...with beautiful architecture being carved right into the stone. 

The sun was just beginning to sink behind the mountains in the horizon so that it looked like it was resting on top of them. 

“So,” Jim said finally. “You came.”

Spock nodded, staring at his beloved in the orange light. 

Jim turned to look at Spock, the rays of the dying sun sifting through the blue...making them look older...and more burdened. 

“Your dad thinks it’s better for you to meet a nice Vulcan girl and raise Vulcan babies in the Vulcan way.”

Spock said nothing. 

“And you agree with him.”

Spock finally spoke. 

“You misunderstand my father,” Spock said. 

“I think it was pretty loud and clear….Why didn’t you tell me you’d have a shorter life?”

“Because it was and is not relevant to me.”

“Your life isn’t relevant to you?” Jim’s voice was sharp. 

Spock shook his head. “A life without  _ you _ is not relevant to me.”

The corner of Jim’s mouth turned down a little and he looked away, back at the colony. 

“Your life is important to  _ me  _ Spock...I’m not the only person you’re important to, you know...you’re a scientist...the universe needs you.”

“If we were to bond, your life would extend...our lifelines turn to meet each other-”

“Yeah, that’s not a selling point, Spock. Not only am I going to suck some of your life away, but I’ll be getting more life to my own sentence….”

“Do you not believe that the universe needs you as much as it needs me?”

Jim shook his head and shrugged, fighting tears, not looking at Spock. “I don’t know...but I don’t think it’s my place to find out.”

Spock felt his heart hammering in his side...he wanted to reach out to Jim...wanted to hold him...wanted to  _ show  _ him. 

“This is why you kept it from me...this how it ends, isn’t it?” Jim asked, his voice soft as he finally looked at the Vulcan.  

Spock shook his head.

“No...Jim, it’s not.”

The human stared at him expectantly, his entire body resigned...defeated. 

“Do you want to know what the Priestess showed me, Jim?”

Kirk blinked and a tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Sure, Mr. Spock.”

The Vulcan nodded and stood up, reaching down to help Kirk stand as well. 

Neither of them moved to let the other go. 

“Jim...I do not wish for a life without you-”

Kirk looked down, looking miserable, but Spock gently placed his fingers on Jim’s chin, tilting it up to look at him. 

“I did not want to tell you how this ended, because the  _ choice  _ was never mine...it has always been yours….”

“Spock-”

“Knowing what I have known since being in the tent, I  _ made  _ my choice years ago, Jim...I could have ended it before it began. But I choose  _ you  _ Jim.”

Jim was looking at him cautiously now, and Spock ran his fingers over the younger man’s knuckles. “Please do not sentence me to a life without you.”

Jim let out a shuddering breath. 

“Fuck...I’m going to Hell….”

Spock could feel his breathing stop, happiness beginning to well up inside of him as he bent to one knee, kissing the back of Jim’s hand. 

Kirk looked at him. 

“No fucking way, what are you doing?”

Spock reached into his pocket and pulled out the velvet box. 

Jim grinned tearfully.

It was real.

And Spock believed

“What are you doing?”

“I believe that this is the standard Earth tradition for proposing marriage.”

Jim let out a beautiful laugh. It was real. 

“Please bond with me, Jim.”

He presented the beaten gold ring of his grandfather...a Vulcan line of poetry inscribed on the outside of it. 

_ Meet me at the end so that we shall make a start of it all. _

Kirk covered his mouth and nodded. 

Spock leapt up and grabbed Jim by the waist, kissing the tears from his face. 

“Yes I’ll marry you,” Jim confirmed kissing Spock fully on the mouth. “Are you sure?”

“I have never been more sure about anything in my life,” Spock replied, kissing Jim again. 

“Is this what you saw?”

Spock nodded, leaning their foreheads against each other, holding his t’hy’la in his arms. A look of adorable confusion came across the younger man’s face.

“So then, how does it end?”

Spock kissed the corner of his mouth...knowing that he’d kiss this mouth many many times over their countless years together. 

“It doesn’t.”

 

_ The end  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed my vanilla cupcake of an ending!   
> Just so you know, I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters, and I am making no profit from writing this work. Thank you all so much for reading and I hope that you loved it!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading guys! Next chapter will be out in the next three days or so! Comments are gold!


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